Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
