you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
