I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
