theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
