Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
