Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
True strength comes from lack of pants
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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