I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
