All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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