I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
