I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
