Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
