You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just forgot I was standing up.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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