She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
