my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
