Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
