someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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