I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
