Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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