Do you still have your period?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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