if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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