2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
