But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
