I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
