Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
