i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
