Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
