I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
