There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
