omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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