My girlfriend figured out who you are.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
