somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
