Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
