jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
