omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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