just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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