I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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