you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
