you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
