Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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