i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
