When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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