I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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