I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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