This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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