i wish there were pregnant emoticons
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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