Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
