this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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