Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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