we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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