she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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