Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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