Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The Olympian is in my bed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
